A day from hell

I knew there was a reason I was dreading today so much before it even happened. I know I have written before about how much I was looking forward to alone time and all that, but let me tell you, I cried the biggest tears ever after dropping my mom off at the airport this morning. We'll see her again in a couple of months, but realizing how much she truly has helped with Lukas and Lilli and keeping this home in some kind of order, put me in panic mode. As if that wasn't enough, today was Ben's first day of work. He works swing shift, so at least he was there in the morning. Still, I knew it was going to be a rough afternoon.

After Ben left around 1:20ish, I fed both babies, burped them, changed them, and got them ready for a walk. We've been jotting down when we feed what to monitor Lilli's digestive processing, which has helped keep track of how much they truly eat and how often they eat (who the heck are the people, "experts", that say that at almost 2 months, babies should eat 4-6 times 5-6 ounces each time. Not these two....we feed many more times!).

Anyhow, I felt brave and even took the dog. We made our way to the park without too many issues, despite missing sidewalks and chained up dogs (I have really come to hate our neighborhood!). We did a loop in the park and headed home. By then, both Lukas and Lilli were starting to get fussy, and that's when the fun started. I was able to put Lilli on the couch, where she pretty much chilled for a couple of hours. Lukas, however, holy crap, he screamed for a couple of hours almost non-stop. Needless to say, I was crying right there with him. I know, I know, babies sense all that, but at that point, I really didn't care. Between him crying and me howling, Max our dog, must have felt really bad.

I lugged Lukas around, changed his diapers, held him close, rocked him, put him flat on his back, on his stomach, everything...nothing helped. I think he's also dealing with constipation issues, judging from his little (and some not so little) farts. Feeding time (tandem feeding - the boppy pillows are such a great invention for that!) ended around 7:30ish and believe it or not, both babies have been relatively quiet since then. Lukas is out cold, at least he's not moving on the monitor. Lilli, however (of course, after being "good" all day) is squirming around like a little worm and still has her eyes wide open (the monitor, equipped with night vision, shows her little eyes popping out like a little alien - creepy!). I, in the meantime, managed to chow down a bowl of mac and cheese (eeew), fold some laundry, water the plants, and alas, write a blog entry.

I know, I know, it will get better. Right now, though, I need to feel sorry for myself (-: I am appreciative of all the help that people have offered and will definitely take all of you up on it, but I'm gonna give it a try for a couple of days on my own. For God's sake if octomom can have 14 or however many kids she has, I should be able to "handle" two. So, here I am, lonely and exhausted, hoping that tomorrow will be better.

On a positive note, both Lukas and Lilli are much more alert when they are awake and I'm waiting for the day that they intentionally smile - it better be at me!

Time to get the little princess from upstairs. 2.5 more hours before Ben comes home...I can do it, I can do it, I can do it!

4+ weeks later...everything's still a blur

I'm not even exactly sure where to begin, other than that I've never felt so unorganized and lost in time than I do now. I cannot believe that Lukas and Lilli will be five weeks this Sunday. It sure feels like the almost-ambulance-birth happened just a couple of days ago. Well, let's see where we are. I posted scores to FB a while ago. Maybe I'll start with that here, too.

‎3 weeks later, here are the scores:
Katja vs swollen feet - 1:0
Katja vs c-section scar - 1:0
Katja vs "everything down there" - 1:1
Katja vs pumping - 0:1 Katja vs breastfeeding - 0:10
Katja vs a good night's sleep - 0:100
That pretty much sums it up. Add fussy babies around the clock and a visiting mother...you fill in the blanks!

 

Okay, so truly, the swollen feet are completely gone. Not so much the ugly spider veins, but you know what, I'll take that over swollen feet and legs. I can fit in all of my shoes again. Who would have thought that would be such an exciting event?!

The scar, hmmm, I thought it was healing pretty well. I have to admit that I so did not follow dr.'s orders for recovery. I mean come on, who has the freaking time to pretty much stay in bed/on the couch all damn day long and do nothing, lift nothing, go nowhere, and preferrably sleep all day/night? Not me! I was able to get up the day after the c-section and pretty much was ready to rock and roll by day 3. I was surprised how strong I was, and granted that I probably should have taken it easier, recovery has been great. I have no pain, the scar is very low and pretty much healed. Every now and then I feel some discomfort that I contribute to the weather, the furniture, or crying babies, lol.

Now the "other area"...a little different story. Some days it feels like it's completely healed, other days not so much. One thing is for sure, I'm pretty much done bleeding (sorry if tmi), which is nice. Nothing like shoving a big old diaper-like pad down there and waddling all over the place. So glad that is over.

 

The breastfeeding/pumping issue deserves a new paragraph. Many of you have followed my posts on FB and supported me throughout this nightmare. I really don't know how people do it. I know that obviously there is people out there who breastfeed twins; hell, there are probably women out there who breastfeed more than just two. I, however, am still not able to do it and am at the point where I'm not even going to try. I'm still pumping, but that's pretty much it. Both Lilli and Lukas have latched on in the past (Lilli was more successful), but I have to admit that I didn't get that warm and fuzzy feeling. It literally took 2 hours during one of the breastfeeding support classes (don't ask!) to feed both...only to find out that each had only eaten one (!!!!!) ounce. For real?! I still had to bottlefeed them afterwards. And let's get real...who has the time to breastfeed for 2+ hours 8 times every day, change diapers, bathe, burp, and pump for at least another 20 minutes times at least 8 times?! NOT ME! Needless to say, I have not been fully committed to all of this boob stuff. My poor boobs are hard all of the time, regardless of how much I pump. I can honestly say that I have some sort of idea what a way-too-big breast implant must feel like = not sexy, comfortable, or remotely attractive! I have yet to research how to exactly stop the whole pumping deal, but will attempt that as soon as my mother leaves. Why not sooner, you might ask? Funny you ask.....well, let's just say that my mother has her opinions about the whole BFing thing. Although she won't come right out and say it, I'm sure she'd rather I breastfeed than switch to formula, but guess what, the minute she gets on the airplane, I AM DONE! Lol. I'm tired of finding time to sit in my bathroom with the heater cranked up, holding the two pumps, feeling like a damn cow, while listening to screaming babies, answering my mom's questions, or secretly trying to check my e-mail or FB. Ben and Oma get to feed babies and have fun with them, while I'm trying to not fall asleep from pumping. Nope. D-O-N-E with it. I don't care if I have to buy formula for a year, this is so not worth it. Please, please, please, don't try to change my mind....not happening. Unless you have magic boobs that will feed both these babies while still leaving enough for pumping - no comments needed (-:

 

Hm, sleeping...that really deserves its own paragraph, too. I thought for a brief moment that we had some sort of routine worked out, but we really don't. It usually ends up being that Ben and the babies fall asleep on the couch "napping" until midnight or later, while I try desperately to stay awake so that I can feed, change diapers, burp, and yes, pump - but man, this is not working for me. We've tried to put them to bed earlier, after bathing and all that, but it's not working out for us. Then we wake up dead-tired around midnight to do the first feeding. I am hopeful that we can settle into a routine once my mom leaves, but just not sure. The babies usually sleep 3 hours (rarely more) between feedings, but because the feeding etc. takes about an hour, it really only laves two hours or sleep. Combine that with all the fuzzing and "talking" I hear through the monitor after putting them back to sleep and we're probably looking at about an hour and a half of sleep. Somebody said, "nap when they nap during the day", but that doesn't work for me, either. Daytime naps knock me out and leave me feeling tired and groggy. The result is that I'm always tired, especially in the later afternoons, always look like hell, and really don't enjoy getting up in the middle of the night. The nice thing, however, Ben lets me sleep in a little later in the mornings. I guess I make up for it by letting him nap with the babies. Not sure, I'm open to feedback here, especially from those of you with twins. What is your schedule like? There's gotta be something better out there.

 

Let's see...what else? My mom has been visiting for just about 3 weeks now. I know she means extremely well and is only looking out for her grandchildren, but holy crap....I won't even get into it. I can tell that she loves Lukas and Lilli more than anything and I hope that they will continue to develop a strong bond. It's been nice having the extra set of hands, someone who is willing to feed, change diapers, cook, clean, and pretty much do anything else. At the same time, I am so looking forward to being alone and not having to justify everything. It'll be a challenge doing it all alone, especially once Ben goes back to work, but I think (hope!) it'll be a good challenge. We have purchased flights to go home in the summer, so Oma won't have to miss out on these kiddos for too long.

 

Max has done great with both babies. He comes around and checks on them and so doesn't care what they do to him. The other night, Lilli had an accident and poop literally squirted everywhere (yes EVERYWHERE), including on the dog's head. Not sure whether he just didn't notice or simply didn't care, but wow, he's such a gentle giant. Precious, our cat, is just curious, looking at Lukas and Lilli when they make noises, but otherwise minding her own business.

 

I miss work. I had a feeling this was going to happen. Everyone said, "you'll change your mind once your babies are born", and while I'd like to think that's completely true, it's really not. Don't get me wrong, I miss the babies when I go to the store or am able to get away for an hour or two with my mom, but I still miss work. Looking back, I wish I had left my return-to-work date open...I might have returned so much sooner than currently planned. The way things stand right now, I won't be back until August. We'll see, though, things might change after all.

 

In other (brief news):

•  We have managed to fit bases for car seats into Ben's truck. The carseats (sans bases) barely fit into my car and leave both of us squished in the front. If we were to get into an accident in my car, there really wouldn't be a need for airbags, that's how close we are to the dashboard
• Just today, we were able to fit the twins into the regular car seats. Now we can snap them into the stroller and don't have to take them out of their seats only to put them back into the stroller. We still love our combi stroller, but will wait until they are a little bit bigger
• Ben graduated from nursing school and is currently looking for work (I think all of you can imagine the extra stress this has put on everyone)
• I have found that I didn't miss wine as much as I thought I did. Only had a sip since giving birth - it's not all that after all
• Lukas no longer fits into newborn diapers or clothes - this boy is getting BIG; Lilli is gaining weight and catching up to her little big brother
• Speaking of weight, I am -10 pounds pre-pregnancy, i.e. I have lost the 20 or so pounds gained and then 10 more. Quite amazing, considering all the crap I eat on a daily/nightly basis

Alright, this is it for now. It's entirely too late to think of anything else intelligent to say. As I'm waiting for my trio to wake up, I'm debating between eating the second half of the bag of Hershey kisses or pumping - I'll let you guess which one I chose! Good night everyone.